Last Week on Adults Behaving Badly
Doctor and his girlfriend stand accused of drugging patients, sexually assaulting them, and then charging them a 10% higher co-pay. The Doctor claims; “Me and my lady wanted to spend more time together. And just about the time we found something we both enjoy, busted.” Iowa Caucus:Democratic party élite insiders are caught with their hands inside the ballot box. DNC chair Tom Perez says, “We saw an opportunity to siphon some votes from one candidate and give it to another candidate. What can a few votes hurt? We didn’t think anybody would notice. Cheating, nah. More akin to re-distribution. We took some votes from a viable candidate and gave it to one lacking vision and a meaningful platform.” Stay tuned, next week on Adults Behaving Badly, is a doozy. America’s rivers and streams are now at pollution capacity. DuPont execs partner with The Devil to sign-off on dumping large amounts of chemical, toxic sludge back into our neighborhoods, public pools, and national parks. Bathing at Hot-Springs National Park will never be the same. No need to exfoliate or worry about age lines. Just 15 minutes in one the hundreds of contaminated pools, and your skin is sure to peel completely off your body.
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For Mother’s Day my friend and I went to a Yankee game. I suggested that we’d pretend to be mother and son in order to get the Mother’s Day discount. We played up our roles for the ticket agent… Me: Son, I’m looking forward to our day together and I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see you grow up. Friend: That’s okay mom, I’m used it. You weren’t even there for my birth! A comedian got on stage and told the crowd that his wife just called him to say that he left the stove on and he almost killed his dog. This news hindered his entire set and he gave a bad performance. And that’s why folks, I don’t have a wife. I avoided disaster this morning. I left my cell phone at home and I turned around to go home and get it. No way am I sitting in that hell-hole of an office for 8 hours without getting distracted every 10 minutes. Mastercard Rep: Ms. Lewis, you owe us a balance of $2,281.07. We will forgive the remaining balance and accept $710.00 if pay in full today. Me: Great! Let me get my credit card! (You guys are good for it, right?) I’m visiting Denmark at the end of June. Denmark was polled the happiest country in the world. I hoping that being there will knock em’ down a peg or two. The Demographic Trump Voter Breakdown: Trump received 98% of the white racist vote. He locked in 53% of the women who hate their own vagina, vote. And logged 64% of the bricklayer vote. All voter numbers for the demographic voter turnout poll were made up on the spot, just like Trump's policies.
1. Shave all the wrong body parts. And make sure to regularly borrow money from Payday Loans institutions.
2. If you were unfortunate enough and were born without a hunch back or a terrible face disfigurement; practice poor posture and engage in dangerous-scar leaving behavior when possible. 3. Go to public places and pretend to read books on challenging subjects while merely memorizing the table of contents. 4. Avoid using spell check and always throw in your 2 cents into conversations on topics you know nothing about. 5. If you are already a failure, chances are you're broke. You cannot afford nice clothes, but that doesn't matter because an ugly person looks like shit no matter what they're wearing. 6. Apply and accept jobs that will definitely fire you within the first few months of employment. Jobless and ineligible to collect unemployment benefits. 7. Maintain a network of friends that are at best losers themselves. If by chance you actually hang out with some cool people; it is certain, they are suffering from embarrassment being seen with you in public. If you don't agree, ask yourself how often you hear, "I thought you knew about the party? You can come if you want. Do you mind driving? Oh yeah, since you're driving, can we swing by Devin's and Carol's house (both live in different directions) on the way and give them a ride?" Sorry, I'm low on funds this week or else I'd offer to pay for gas. You know how it is." At the party, everybody wants a group photo. You are elected the photographer. After you take a few pics someone offers to take the camera and allow you to be in the next shot. Suspiciously, the cellphone batteries are running too low to snap anymore pics. Maybe next time. 8. See the previous list on "How Ugly, Dumb People Failed in the 20th Century." Good news for the guys; I am now accepting applicants for my next boyfriend.
Qualifications: Just a few; Must have the brains of Einstein, the wit of George Carlin, the looks of Bruce Springsteen, the Genius of Bob Dylan, and drug arsenal of Hunter S. Thompson. Basically, a figment of my imagination. Update: So far I have received some interest for the postion of my next boyfriend but I'm seeing a lot of the same type of characteristics that existed within previous men that held the role. Sure, emotionally unavailable men are usually high on the listed of candidates, but this time I'll welcome physically unavailable also. .................................................... My next door neighbor is a hoarder. There are some advantages and disadvantages to having a hoarder as a neighbor. Like anything you need to borrow chances are, they have it. Not so good; but they have no idea where the hell it is. I was at the bar last night, Shocker there. I met this dude, total prep and braggart, he told me he was a professional poker player. He started off with an interesting story or two and then at great length. He then said,” When I'm not playing cards, I'll bet on anything, I love the rush.” I said, “Oh yea, how about we bet on this, what are the odds that within the next 20 minutes of this conversation I die of boredom? I'm thinking 60-40, maybe 90-10.
7. He's full of blubber, verbally and physically.
6. He resembles any number of 1970's male porno stars. 5. After a full day of forging for more ways to exploit the workers and squeeze out every penny from his clientele, he lies on the beach with hundreds other creatures with large tusks and baths his blubbery-underside. 4. He has the personality of walrus. 3. His breath smells like fish. 2. He's always trying to prove his tusk is bigger. 1. Any kind of climate change in the company protocol will threaten his fragile existence. Disclaimer: Any damage done to the reputation of a walrus from this above comparison is completely unintentional. Most walruses are way nicer than most bosses. Any likeness found in the above description to your boss is further proof in the validity of the above theory. Rantings of a Mad Woman on the Loose I drove through Newark, NJ today. I noticed all the billboards, one advertised get a divorce for $399, another said get a full
dental implant for $399 and a third one stated buy a repossessed vehicle for $399. Wow! So, for just about 400 bucks you can go to Newark and either, lose a spouse, drive a stolen car, and rock a sexy new grill. The Jersey City Civil War Cemetery is holding a fundraiser, all proceeds will go for new uniforms for all the dead soldiers. I read an article that emphasized the need for New Hampshire to devise initiatives in order to attract and keep younger people working in the state. Here’s a suggestion, start shaving the locals. My brother is excited about his new phone app. It has the ability to download books that aren’t even written yet. I’m ready to get rid of my uterus. I need more room for cheese doodles. My brother and I were on the phone yesterday. He reminded me of a time when I was working as a cab driver and I hated it. It made me so miserable, that every time we spoke on the phone, he'd make a suggestion about my job and I would hang up on him. I told him I don’t remember doing that. But since we’re being nostalgic, let’s bring back old times, so I hung up! Parking is tough in my neighborhood. I get a lot of citations. I decided to get a job at the Parking Authority. I still get tickets, but at least now I get to write them. Weight loss: Some nutritionists suggest that instead of eating 3 sizable meals a day, to lose weight more effectively, one should eat many small meals or snacks throughout the day. This is called "grazing", kind of like cattle. And why not graze, because when I think trim, I think cattle. It's time to say goodbye to the Captain, Derek Jeter. This officially signifies the end of an era-the last out has been made. I am sad to see Jeter go, we are about the same age. He just finished up up his storied, hall of fame career -and me, well I just finished a second helping of pie.
Happy Birthday Boss- I was listening to an interview with comedian, Artie Lange. He was a heroin addict and attempted suicide a while back. During his recovery he received a phone call from Bruce Springsteen, inquiring about his well-being. That's all it take to get a call from the Boss? Hell, I can shoot some dope-no problem. Slicing an occasional wrist, I am on it! Scientists would hurry up and clone Neanderthals. I need another primate species to come to my shows. Homo sapiens aren’t interested.
Neanderthals weren’t dumb, they actually invented very sophisticated tools used to ambush and take down 2,000 pound animals with direct combat. On second thought, maybe they were dumb, they never thought about just throwing them. Homo Erectus is believed to be the first human species to stand and walk bipedal. One day they saw everyone sitting in a room, and they were like, f- this, I’m standing up and getting the hell out of here. For More thoughts on other human species please see the bang a common ancestor page. Two ant exterminators were slayed to death by a Giant Anteater in the jungles of Brazil. Anteater brags, don’t mess with a professional. |
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AuthorTania Lewis first became interested in comedy when it was apparent that fighting her own battles were not her strength. After hearing the old adage, "sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will psychologically taunt someone for a long time," it was clear that wit is mightier than the sword. Archives
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